IS ONE INCIDENT OF ABUSE ENOUGH TO END A MARRIAGE?

Hello RTers, my name is Jane, somewhat separated from my husband whom I have been married to for over 3 years now. We have a little 2 year old girl together and she’s presently staying with my husband and his family. I never thought it was going to ever end or at least get to this point in my widest dream, despite the little changes we had. I am the last child and only girl in my family with four brothers. I guess I was influenced by my brothers in terms of being hot-tempered, that has always been my greatest flaw, regardless of how much effort I put in, I really can’t help it most times. Not that I’m a terrible person, that’s just my baggage, but unfortunately it makes my husband feels I don’t respect him when I flare up, but I do. He is the complete opposite of me. He very patient and gentle and that was what I really wanted in a man. He isn’t as buoyant as would have liked, but we get by. He works in a servicing company for a contractor that isn’t steady in salary payment, so I contribute a lot financially to our wellbeing. I am from a financially decent family and all my siblings are all doing well, plus I really don’t have responsibilities unlike my husband who is the First child in his family with, six other siblings.

Months ago our rent was due for payment, he had no money so I struggled to sort out the money and gave him to pay for it, not knowing he didn’t. I was shocked when our caretaker came to our house 3 months after the due month to serve a quit notice warning. My husband wasn’t around, but believing he had paid, I ignorantly challenged him with full confidence we ended up exchanging few words. I questioned my husband when he returned and to my surprised he confirmed he didn’t pay the money. He had used almost all the money to settle some bills that I can’t understand and was hoping he would get the money to replace it but hasn’t. He didn’t bother to tell me all these while knowing how strict our Tenancy agreement was. I tried to stay calm but couldn’t, I flared up shouting and rained abuses on him, he just annoyingly sat down and as usual just ignored me, this infuriated that I picked up his laptop and before I knew it, I threw it at him, it hit him and fell shattered on the floor.

Even at that, I never expected the kind of reaction I got from him because he always cool headed, he got up immediately and descended on me like an animal. He gave me the beating of my life and kept on hitting me I thought was going to kill me. I ran out of the house and boarded a vehicle straight to my parent’s house (we lived in the same city). When my mum saw me, she was so shocked, she immediately called my brothers. They came down and got really mad when they saw my bruises. They drove immediately to my husband’s house and pounded him in and out, he landed in the hospital thereafter. They told me the marriage was over and I’m not to ever go back to a man that hits a woman. 

My little girl was at my in law’s place at the time of the incident and I couldn’t take her with me. Since then my in-laws won’t let me have her. I’m all just confused right now because this was just not what I bargained for. I’ve tried calling my husband but he wouldn’t respond. I miss them so much, but my family won’t hear of me going over to make peace, that if anything, he should be the one to apologise otherwise he would do it again. I know deep down I pushed my husband hard hence his reaction, but they say no man should ever hit a woman despite the provocation talk less beat up silly, thus the marriage is over. It’s over 3 months now and my husband hasn’t reached out, he moved away from his house to stay with his family.

Dear RTers, I’m really very confused right now and need your advice please.

HOW I RUINED MY FAMILY WITH A ONE NIGHT STAND

Hi RTers, my name is George, I'm 42 years old and live in Lagos. I am sharing this story so that people can learn from my mistakes. Up till now I still can't believe how one stupid act from me ruined my life and that of my family. I am the kind of outgoing type, I love clubs and social events. My wife is more of the reserved type and prefers to have fun at home, but knowing the kind of man she married, she doesn't complain much when I go out and come in late. We dated for 5 years before we married and she kinda developed a huge trust for me, as I do for her. Never once had I cheated on my wife in our 12 years of marriage, but of this fateful day I did the unthinkable. I never planned for it to happen, I had left the club early that day (about 10:30pm) I wanted to get home early because I had promised to drive my wife to an early market the next day. On my way home, I was flagged down by a lady. I never stop for strangers as a personal rule, but on this fateful day I made a regrettable exception. I stopped and she begged me to give her a lift, it wasn't a big deal because we were heading in the same direction. The moment she entered my car, the atmosphere changed suddenly, I don't want to make an excuse but I really felt somewhat hypnotised. She was astonishing beautiful than I even realised before I picked her up, She flirted with me and talked naughty, while I laughed foolishly. We got to her Estate before mine and she pleaded with me to drop her at her place, as it wasn't far inside. I knew this was foolish but somehow, I wasn't with my senses any longer. She invited me inside when we got there and I knew what the invitation meant but couldn't stop myself. We had s3x, and without a condom! That was so much unlike me, considering I always advised my friends who had numerous girlfriends to never fail to use it, that very moment, I had no damn control. After the act, I picked up my clothes and left without saying a word, she said nothing either. I knew I had messed up but I told myself it was a onetime thing and I'd never try it again. I ended up getting home few minutes past midnight that day. That happened 7 months ago, I had just begin to get on with my life after much guilt has dealt with me, when I came back home 3 weeks ago to meet my wife sobbing intensely. I reached out to her to ask her what the problem was and she handed me a paper, it was their yearly medical examination result that showed she was HIV positive. She swore she had never been with another man and asked me if I had been unfaithful. My mind flew back to that one forgotten incident, and I collapsed on the floor. I had not only been careless with my life but also with that of my beloved wife. I have betrayed the trust of the woman I love so much and placed her life in Danger. I have failed my 2 kids who see me as their Hero all for nothing. Even if my wife eventually forgives me, I know I will never forgive myself.

Dear RTers, Please learn from my mistakes, you'd think it can't happen to you just like I did, but it can. 

I CAN'T FORGIVE HIM FOR SACRIFICING MY BABY FOR MY LIFE.

Hello RTers, my name is Angela, I am 43 years old. I've been married for 8 years now without child. To say this is the worst situation for any woman to be in, is an understatement. I have asked myself 'why me' a million times but no answer. Many mothers really do not know how blessed they are to have even a single child, it is indeed a great blessing.

 I married at age 35 to a man who has a child from wedlock (I sometimes think that’s why he’s not as worried as myself), so I was eager to get pregnant and have a baby as soon as possible, but that didn’t happen until 6 years of trying. We had done virtually everything in Medicine when it came to conceiving (with and without assistance) and we only got lucky once. It was indeed a miracle, we were so happy our joy knew no bounds.

Towards the end of my second trimester, there were complications (don't want to bore readers with the story) and it came down to choosing between terminating my baby or risk a possible death should I proceed with the pregnancy. Having waited that long for a baby, it was a very simple choice for me to make. But my husband wouldn't hear of it, despite my pleas and all, he was adamant and insisted I terminated my baby. Several times I thought of running away to have my child but couldn't (I still beat myself for not opting for that). To cut the long story short, against my will I was forced to terminate my child. It was the hardest moment of my life to live through, I wished death would come upon me and spare me of the emotional suffering.

It’s been 2 years now and I still feel the pain as fresh as yesterday. I've not been able to conceive again and my time is running up. I blame my husband every day and can't forgive him for letting my child die without fighting. He said he saved me but the truth is I am a living dead and so is our marriage. I fear I would never be able to ever forgive him if I don't have a child of my own.

IS IT OKAY TO ALLOW MY HUSBAND REMAIN FRIENDS WITH HIS EX?

Hi RTers, I am Oluchi by name, I got married a year ago to my husband. I just want your advice on an issue regarding him and his ex (or friend as he now calls her). They dated for about a year before distance ended their relationship, as she travelled abroad for her Masters. However they remained friends and he told me about her while we were dating. Then I didn’t see it as a big deal even when they chatted and was never interested, but lately she has been reaching out to him more often and be talking to him in ways that I don't find appropriate. Although from their chats, I admit see the effort my husband tries to put to end such inappropriate discussions but I still don’t appreciate such friendship.

She talks a lot about their past escapades, how it would have been if they had stayed together and had kids, how their kids would have looked like. She asked my hubby if I was pregnant yet (am not).  She cropped me off a picture my hubby and I took and told him, that was how she viewed the picture (meaning I don't exist to her). She also to him how she was dying so say some naughty things (probably sensing my hubby wasn’t encouraging her much when she initiates such talk) but my hubby stopped her annoyingly in teasing way. 

I confronted my hubby about it all, that I wasn't cool with their friendship, but all he said was that he was sorry; seemingly apologising on her behalf. I told him to delete her from his BBM contacts but he refused, for reason he best understands; claiming they were just friends and she’s not a threat. Yes, even if she isn’t a threat, is it right to entertain such flirtish talks from her?

Dear RTers, what do you think? I know she's far away, does that mean I am over reacting? I need your advice please.

KISSED BY MY FRIEND'S GROOM A NIGHT BEFORE HER WEDDING

Hi RTers, my name is Julie (not real name) a 400L undergraduate in one of the universities in Nigeria. My best friend got married last week Saturday and I was her chief Bridesmaid. During the wedding I was just practically in trance, for the Groom to my best friend; Harry (not real name) had kissed me a night before and I didn’t know how to react in the best interest of everyone. There were no words, just that kiss that stunned me all over.

I was more or less the 'middle-woman' between my friend and Harry during our earlier years in the university. When he was asking her out, it was through me, when she wouldn't date him, I was the one who urged her to give him a chance. I admired Harry for who he is or was and thought my friend was really lucky to have him doting over her, but that was just it. I never for once wished him for myself or tried to complicate things between them. I never once took advantage of the fact that they always called me to help them sort their issues out, that was just how simple our relationship was. 

When he proposed to her, I was the one who helped organised the surprised party. Considering how close we are, it was no surprised when she made me her chief Bridesmaid, and I was very involved in the wedding preparation. We were lodged in one big hotel, and it was during the wedding night when I went to get my friend’s Ipad from his room that it happened. After a simple small chat during which he was getting the Ipad, I made to leave, then I heard him say ‘wait’, as I turned around, his lips descended on mine. I was just too shocked to react, I couldn’t believe what was happening, the kiss lasted for like 10 seconds, and then he left me and walked into the bathroom. Still stunned I managed to leave and went to my room. I didn’t even go to my friend’s room again for fear I may blurt out what had just happened.

I kept thinking; Did he have feelings for me? Or was it out of gratitude for all I’ve for them? I really didn't know what the kiss meant. He totally avoided looking at me during the wedding and I was somewhat glad. I couldn't bring myself to tell my friend for fear of what could happen to the wedding. He had been a great guy, but I couldn’t understand why he did that, I liked him as a nice guy, but being my friend’s man, I have never entertained the thought of having anything with him.

Dear RTers, what should I do now? Act like it never happened? If I don't tell my friend, won't it be like a betrayer if she heard about this later (if it ever came up)? Can it just be a one-off-thing or would he try it again if I did nothing? She’s my best friend and I know I’d have to see them soon. Please I need your advice on how best to handle this situation. Thanks

GENOTYPE DILEMMA

Hello RTers, my name is Lucy (not real name), I am 34 years old from Kogi. I am so depressed I really don't know how to start this story. The last few days have been my saddest in this Planet and I’ve been really sad in this life! You see, I was born into a decent family with four children (2 girls and 2 boys), me being the first child. My younger sister married 8 years ago, my younger brothers are also married, leaving just me. I really don't know how I ended up in my family, sometimes I wonder if I was even adopted. My parents are very decent looking in appearance and my siblings too, but somehow everything about me is just opposite to them. I’m 4 feet 4 inches tall, skinny, dark and well.... facially I know I’m not that pretty. To make matters worse, I’m also ‘flat’ in front and behind. This physique has always been my challenge in life, giving me some level of inferiority complex and all that. It was always very difficult to see a man gaze at me with those eyes that tells you he likes you. I do have my good sides though, for one, I think I’m one of the nicest and caring humans on earth (not to sound proud but that’s the truth).

I dated just one guy all through my University days and the relationship only lasted for 3 weeks. I though I was really lucky then to have him, but it turned out he only wanted me for what he could get out of me. I’m still a virgin, and I still strongly advocate for 'No to Pre-marital sex' regardless of the few opportunities I’ve had to take advantage and experience it.

To cut a long sad story short, I met a very nice guy (Obus) about 8 months ago in a church, it still surprises me how God works, because I really don’t know what such an amazing handsome man sees in me, but the way he looks at me... gosh! You’d know he really cares for me, and he has shown me that both in words and action in the last few months. He is also very stable financially, not that that matters so much to me, because I’m also very okay financially. He proposed to me 2 weeks ago in the most romantic way I could imagine, I was simply blown away and I joyfully accepted.

During the course of our relation, we never discussed about our genotypes. I knew I was AS but it was never something I dwelt on, considering the fact I rarely met a guy for serious relationship let alone marriage. And so my sweet joy was dashed when he asked me what my genotype was in a media chat, I froze! I had completely forgotten about that aspect of me when it came to relationships/marriages. I was so scared that he would be AS (for him to have been concerned about it) that I went blank for a few seconds, I really don’t know what came over me that made me typed ‘AA’ and he responded by saying: 'Thank God, cause I'm AS'. My heart Stopped!

It's been a week now and I haven't been myself. I have cried so much fearing the worst. So this is the end, isn't it? I know I have to tell him the truth or shouldn't I? Am I going to lose the man I love so much; the only man who worships me just because of our genotype? Should I persuade him for us to go ahead regardless and face the odds? Should we marry and instead adopt if we don’t want to risk having a SS child? Will he even agree? If we break up, will I ever meet another man that cherishes me like him? 

Dear RTers, I need your advice, I am so depressed and going mad with my thoughts, if there is any hope for us to remain together I will so gladly take it. 

CRITICISED FOR ASKING FOR MY DUE

Hi RTers, my name is Kess, i am a public inspirational speaker based in Lagos. About 3 months ago I was given a deal by a neighbour friend (Tayo) to give an inspirational speech to a certain group of people he was mentoring. I was priced real low and agreed based on the fact that we are friends kinda. Normally, I won't take less than N50,000 for an hour speech, but took N20,000 for a 2-hour plus speech because of him. Funny thing was that he only gave me N10,000 and promised to give the rest after the event.

After the event, one of the participants approached me seemingly very impressed with my speech and invited me for a bigger invent a week later. Of course I told him my actual price (N50,000 per hour) which he agreed to. I actually spoke for over 2 hours during the event and was paid in full.

The issue now is that, Tayo heard of the deal and has refused to pay me the balance N10,000. To make matters worse he goes about telling people that i am very greedy because I asked for my balance money; his point being that it was through his link that gave me the other deal, so I should have written off the balance. 

Dear RTers, have I really done anything wrong by asking for the balance of this deal I practically slaved for? Should I go ahead a fight for my balance or apologise and write it off? I don't want a strained relationship with Tayo but don't like to be cheated either.